The M Club

(Trigger Warning)

I didn’t ask to be part of the M Club. Nobody does and it’s not something we sign up for. The M club is the group of moms (and dads, too) that have experienced a miscarriage…

My story

I went through it in 2016. My kids were 3 and 1. I didn’t know much about miscarriages beforehand, how it felt physically and emotionally. But it stays with you. I remember every detail.

It was the Sunday morning before Thanksgiving. We went to the ER because of bleeding at 8 weeks. Before I told anyone we were going, my dad randomly texted me and my sister “I love you.” He didnt know what was going on, he just felt he needed to say it. And I’m so glad he did.

We were scared, but they did an ultrasound in the ER and found a heartbeat. We were so relieved. We went straight home and got ready for church to thank God. The next day, I felt more pain and more bleeding, and I knew. When I went back to the OBGYN a few days after the ER, they did another ultrasound. I remember it so vividly. The amniotic sac was closed shut.

On that drive home, my husband and I were still processing it. All we had left of this baby was the original ultrasound at 6 or so weeks. No gender, no name, nothing else. In the car, the song “Photograph” by Ed Sheeran came on and it just fit so well in the situation. I still turn off that song when I hear it. It just makes me tear up and remember all over again because all we have is a photograph and I can’t make it through that song.

I couldn’t talk about my miscarriage at the time. I told the people that had to know, otherwise I couldnt bring myself to say much. I told my close family of course, and they told extended family. I had to tell my boss why I was suddenly out of work for a week. I also had to let some friends and relatives know that were planning on coming to my 1 year old’s birthday party for that weekend.

I remember sitting on my bed staring as the days went by. People talked to me, but I couldn’t really hear them. My husband was the same way. Thankfully, my kids were too young to really understand. But they didn’t mind the extra hugs we wanted to give them.

What I learned

There’s nothing you did to cause it and nothing you could have done to prevent it.

It is a process. A long process. It doesn’t just happen in one day. There are physical and emotional aspects that you have to get through. There are multiple appointments. There are possible prescriptions. There are good and bad days. It will be a while before you feel like yourself again.

You will drive yourself crazy asking “why?” But truthfully, you will probably never understand why it happened to you.

Honestly, there is nothing anyone can say or do that does make it better. However, the people that care about you will be there for you in any way they know how.

Random people will say some awful and just plain stupid remarks about the miscarriage. They mean well, but they are better off keeping their mouth shut. So don’t take those comments personally.

I also learned why it’s important to stop asking those prying questions to couples. When are you having kids? Don’t you want to grow your family? When are you giving your current kid another sibling? We don’t know what they’re going through. Let’s stop asking those questions just in case it is someone that can’t quite explain why they aren’t having another baby.

If you do unfortunately have a miscarriage, don’t give up hope of having a perfectly healthy baby later on. Give yourself time, but if and when you are ready, try again! A baby born after a miscarriage, stillborn, or infertility is called a rainbow baby! Now I think that’s pretty special!

You are not alone

I’m so sad to say that I have seen 2 of my close friends go through this also. It is so hard! At my job, 4 of the 5 women in my department have had a miscarriage. It is SO common. Don’t think you are alone just because no one talks about it. Reach out to someone, or a group of women. We are not meant to go through hard times by ourselves. I hope I was able to help my friends because of my experience. But first I made sure they knew I was there if they wanted to talk, or I would give them space if they wanted that instead.

What we can do about it

If you have a friend, family member, neighbor, anyone that reveals this to you,  just be there for them. Give them time and give them a listening ear. Maybe offer to take some of the physical load off of them for a little while.

If you are in HR or have any decision making ability in that area, please help us acknowledge that miscarriages are possible in women in the workplace. It is not fair that a woman has to go through that and still worry about either getting their work done that week or else losing a paycheck while she’s trying to get herself back together.

There is so much pain, confusion, grief, and many other things during that time. At the least, you should get the same treatment you would for a funeral, such as 3 paid days off. It was not only a medical problem, but it was a loss of life after all! I hope we can one day make a difference so women don’t have to worry about the financial part of it like me and my friend did.

If you are a part of the M Club, too, just know that I’m so sorry and I am here to talk if you ever need someone. Also, I’m praying for you and your family for comfort and peace.

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